


Kokoro naki warai onaji toki (My heart has laughed and cried at the same time)

by vogue91



Category: Hey! Say! JUMP, Johnny's Entertainment
Genre: Angst, Confusion, Dubious Consent, Friendship, M/M, Secret Relationship, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-13
Updated: 2018-05-13
Packaged: 2019-05-06 07:35:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,916
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14637131
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vogue91/pseuds/vogue91
Summary: “There’s nothing of him on you, now.” he murmured in his ear, moving to nose at his neck and breathing his own scent on his skin.





	Kokoro naki warai onaji toki (My heart has laughed and cried at the same time)

Kei felt good.

It was a whole new feeling, but he was sure he could’ve gotten easily used to it.

He was lying in Yabu’s bed, holding tight onto him both to deal with the lack of room and because that was how he wanted it to be.

It didn’t happen often for them to manage to spend their time together.

Whenever they met outside of work they had to be careful not to be caught, avoiding inappropriate behaviour. And there was _always_ someone else around.

At the dorms instead, they had to be careful with Hikaru.

Yabu knew the younger’s schedule by heart, he knew exactly when the other was at work, when he was out with someone, he knew when he was going to be back and he knew when it was the time to ask, unwillingly, for Kei to go.

That night instead, they could take their sweet time.

Hikaru had gone out with Takaki and Arioka, and he wasn’t going to be back for at least an hour.

Kei was in heaven.

He basked in the feeling of Kota’s arms around him, in his breath against his skin, seeing his smile, finally relaxed.

Had he been allowed to, he would've stayed like this forever.

“What are you thinking about?” the elder asked, seeing him spacing out.

Inoo shrugged, leaning over him and pressing a kiss on his lips.

“I’m thinking I’m happy.” he murmured, clinging on to him, hiding his face in the crook of his neck.

They kept quiet for a few minutes, then he saw Kota glimpse at the clock.

He sighed, dramatically.

“Come on, Ko! Hikaru said he wasn’t going to be back before midnight, and it’s just half past ten! Don’t worry, we’ve got time.” he said, too relaxed to be actually bothered by the other’s caution.

“I know, I know. It’s just that... you know I’m anxious.” Yabu sighed, starting to distractedly caress his arm. “We’ll have to tell him, sooner or later.” he murmured. “He’s my best friend, and I don’t like to keep something like this from him.”

Kei shivered at the thought.

He didn’t like it either, but he deemed it necessary.

He deemed necessary to keep Hikaru in the dark, at least for a while longer.

It was what he had kept telling himself during the months he and Yabu had started getting serious, but he still hadn’t resigned to the fact that the ‘while longer’ didn’t seem to have an exact expiration date.

He kissed his neck and said nothing, that gesture meant to calm him down.

“I know, Ko. I don’t like it either, but...” he sighed, not knowing how to go on. “But it’s not the right time yet. Not until we’ll still be here. The two of you share a room, how do you think you can keep living together, if he shouldn’t take this the right way?” he said, aware that it was yet another excuse to avoid the issue.

And Yabu didn’t reply, because there was nothing else to say.

Ignoring the problem, as much as it made them both feel guilty, seemed to be the only practical solution.

Kei laid down more comfortably, resting his head on Yabu’s chest and caressing him slowly, closing his eyes and enjoying that feeling of much desired closeness.

He couldn’t say how long it had been, he tended to lose track of time whenever he was with him; he just knew that when he heard the door opening, his only thought was that it was _too early_.

Then, he panicked.

Hikaru’s face staring at them was like a stab in the exact centre of his chest.

Disappointment, pain, anger.

He wasn’t sure he could stand that.

He shielded himself behind the sheets, hiding behind Yabu as to protect himself from those inquisitive eyes, while the elder got agitated, sitting up untidily and looking at Hikaru, searching for the right words to say.

“Hikka...” he just murmured, but the other didn’t let him go on.

“Hikka? Hikka what, Kota?” he hissed, his eyes still fixated on Kei while he spoke. “What’s happening? How... how long has this been going on?” he asked confusedly, then he backed off a little.

“Hikaru... I’m sorry.” Inoo murmured, without realizing how useless his words were under that circumstance.

The younger made an angry sound, looking at him with hatred.

“Are you, Kei? What for? You...” he brushed his hand over his face, in the vain attempt to calm down. “You knew that, right? You knew how I felt, but I say it didn’t stop you.” he nodded briefly, as if he was talking to himself more than to them. “Fine, then. I’m so happy for both of you.” he said, getting out of the room and slamming the door, before they could stop him.

And as soon as he heard the door, Kei burst out crying.

He knew he didn’t deserve those tears. He knew he was the one in the wrong, and that Hikaru had all the reasons to hate him.

He knew he had always been in love with Yabu, because the younger had never made a secret of it.

Not that he hadn’t cared, not that being with Kota didn’t make him feel bad every time he thought about his friend.

But his guilt wasn’t going to cure Hikaru’s pain, he was sure of it. Because he had been selfish, and now he was going to have to pay the price for it.

He felt Yabu’s arms around him, but he barely noticed it.

“I... I love Hikaru.” he mumbled, still crying, feeling the other’s hold become tighter.

“I know you do, Kei. And he knows as well. You’ll see, it was just the surprise, I... I’m sure it’s going to pass.” he tried to reassure him, but he didn’t manage to put much confidence in his words.

Inoo stood up, getting dressed quickly and throwing a glance full of misery at Kota.

Would he have been able to give up on Kota, had Hikaru asked?

Would he have been able to stand such a punishment for his betrayal?

The elder read these doubts in his eyes, and he quickly got closer, hugging him again.

“Kei, you can’t help it. Neither of us can. Let him be alone for a while, and I’m sure that...” Inoo stopped him straight away.

“No, Ko. I can’t leave him alone, basking in the thought that I’ve betrayed him, that he hates me, that I make him sick. I... I care for Hikaru more than he knows, despite what I’ve done to him.” he loosened the hug, slowly moving toward the door. “This is all my fault.” he whispered, talking to himself. Then he raised his eyes on Yabu again. “I’ll go look for him. I need to talk to him.” he said, getting out before the other had time to reply.

Kei didn’t know what he was going to say to Hikaru. He didn’t know how he was going to justify himself, or what he would've done to make the other forgive him.

He just knew he needed him, and he wasn’t going to let him hate him without doing anything to change it.

He dried those tears that had no right to be spilled, and went looking for his best friend.

 

~

 

Hikaru was sitting in a corner of the gym.

It was deserted at that time of night, and he was sure no one was going to bother him there.

He needed to think, but it was like he couldn’t.

What was there to think about, after all?

What he had seen was more than enough, there was no need to mull it.

Kei and Kota.

Kota hugging Kei, naked in his bed.

In the room they shared, stinking of sex.

The mere thought made him sick.

He was still trying to erase those images from him memory, when he heard the door opening.

He curser, before turning to check who had decided to go to the gym at that unholy hour.

When he saw Kei getting closer he bit his lip, trying to repress the sudden wish of physically hurting him.

He turned to the other side, ignoring him.

The elder sat next to him, and he smelled Yabu’s scent on him.

He clenched his fists, trying to cool off.

“What do you want?” he asked, harsh.

“Hikaru... please, listen to him. Let me explain what... what’s happened.” he muttered, his voice unsteady.

Yaotome turned to look at him, and he realized he had been crying.

What was there to explain? Why had he cried?

“Isn’t it clear enough what’s happened, Kei?” he said, sarcastic. “You’re in a relationship with Yabu. And you didn’t even have the decency of telling me.” he scoffed. “Tell me, how long has it been going on?” he asked then, raising an eyebrow.

The other hesitated, but then he lowered his eyes on the floor, blushing, and answered.

“Four months.” he whispered.

“And god knows how much you’ve laughed behind my back during these four months, when I told you I was in love with him while the two of you slept together!”

“Hikaru, it’s not like that... I swear, I didn’t mean to hurt you, that’s why I didn’t tell you. I was just waiting the right moment to...” the younger interrupted him.

He stood up, his face red.

“Four months, Kei! Four months and you’ve been waiting the right moment? For what, anyway? To tell me that you don’t give a damn about me and what I feel and you’ve started seeing Kota and didn’t even blink? Please, at least have the decency of not making a fool out of me.” he yelled, seeing him fight to hold back tears. “You make me sick.” he added.

And so the elder burst out crying, and got closer. He wrapped his arms around his waist, holding him close, resting his head against his chest and wetting his t-shirt by doing so.

Hikaru didn’t even bother pushing him away.

He liked to make him feel pathetic, just like he was feeling right now.

“Please, Hikka! Please, forgive me, I... I’ll do whatever you wish. You mean too much to me, more than he does. You’re my best friend, and I’d do anything for things to go back to what they were, even...” he sobbed, then he started talking again. “Even leaving him, if that’s what you want.” he finished, pressing his face harder into the other’s body.

Hikaru looked at him as if he was a cockroach, and it was all it seemed to him.

He evaluated his words carefully.

_Even leaving him, if that’s what you want._

But he didn’t.

He didn’t want them to break up, because that wouldn’t have erased the betrayal. Because Yabu was never going to love him, not even if they hadn’t been together, and he had resigned himself to that.

He didn’t want them to break up.

He wanted them to suffer.

He loosened Kei’s hold on his t-shirt, pulling him closer to look him in the eyes.

Taking advantage of that moment of confusion, he pushed him with his back against the wall, kissing under his neck.

“Anything, Kei?” he murmured in his ear, letting his hands slip over his hips.

“Hikaru... what are you...?” the other mumbled, taken off guard by the sudden change of behaviour from him.

“You said you’d do whatever I wish. Fine. Have sex with me. Do that, and everything will be back to normal, alright?” he hissed, waiting for the other’s response.

He wasn’t going to force him.

He wanted him to say that it was okay with him, that he was fine with having sex with him, with letting him touch and kiss and hug, erasing Yabu’s traces from his body.

And it didn’t take him long to obtain what he wanted.

Kei nodded briefly, scared and confused, while tears kept running down his face and he could do nothing to stop them.

Hikaru smiled, then he went back with his mouth to his neck, licking and biting on it.

It wasn’t tender, it wasn’t romantic, and he was sure Kei wasn’t used to have it like that.

And all he wanted was to fuck the tenderness out of him.

He wanted to take away Yabu’s gentleness and his scent from that body. Because that was the only way he would've punished them both.

Because Inoo would've born the marks of that night on him, and Kota would've seen them.

It was enough for him to exact his revenge.

He pushed inside of him after a scarce and insufficient preparation, there on the gym’s floor.

He wanted to humiliate him as much as possible.

He thrust inside of him fast, brutal, without bothering to make him feel any sort of pleasure, and barely having any of that himself.

When he came, he took care of lingering inside of him, looking him straight in the eyes.

“There’s nothing of him on you, now.” he murmured in his ear, moving to nose at his neck and breathing his own scent on his skin.

He saw him shiver and close his eyes, then hug him and cry some more.

“You said it would've been like before, Hikka.” he murmured, clinging on to him.

Hikaru pulled out of him, getting dressed quickly.

He looked at him, like he would've an animal.

“Of course, Kei. Now everything’s like it was before.” he whispered, and his time he was the one taking the initiative.

He wrapped his arms around his waist, resting his chin on his shoulder.

“I’m sorry, Hikaru. I’m sorry for what I’ve done to you.” Kei said, confusedly.

The younger smiled.

“Don’t worry, Kei. Everything’s fine now. You don’t have to worry about anything.” he said, then let him go.

He got back on his feet, leaving him on the cold floor.

He allowed himself just one more glance, before leaving.

He saw him cry, shiver, his eyes empty, and he knew the first part of his revenge was complete.

Kei wanted them to be friends, it didn’t matter the price.

He wanted for Hikaru not to hate him, and he had gotten just that.

Because, actually, with himself on him instead of Kota, he hated him a little less now.

He went out of the gym, going back to his own room.

He found Kota there, sitting nervously on the bed, biting on his nails.

He smiled, getting closer, relishing the lost stare the elder threw at him.

“Hikaru.” he said. “Where’s Kei?” he asked, analysing the other’s pleased expression.

“If you want him, he’s in the gym.” he replied, distractedly, collapsing on his bed.

He saw him get suspicious.

“What’s happened?” he asked, his voice feeble.

Yaotome sat up more properly, without tearing his eyes off of Kota’s.

“He said he would've done anything to be forgiven. _Anything.”_ he murmured, then he quickly grabbed Yabu’s head and pulled it against his neck. “Can you smell him, Kota?” he hissed then, with all the viciousness he had.

Yabu shivered. Then, he slowly got up.

“What have you done to him, Hikaru?” he asked.

“Nothing he hasn’t allowed me to.” the younger spit his words, poisonous.

The slap Yabu gave him didn’t cause him pain, just satisfaction.

He saw him get out of the door quickly, and smiled.

He was never going to love him, he was sure of that.

Resigned to that, he had nothing left to lose.

Yabu Kota was never going to love him, but he was sure that from that night on, he wasn’t going to look at Kei the same way he had.

He rested his head on the pillow, suddenly tired.

Satisfaction and victory disappeared slowly, leaving room for an immense void.

He didn’t regret what he had done.

But, still, he couldn’t avoid to burst into tears.

 

~

 

Kei wanted to get up, but he couldn’t.

He felt weak, without strength.

Used.

The marks of Hikaru’s teeth and nails on his body were burning, but he didn’t care.

He had deserved them all.

He didn’t know how long it had been when he heard the door open again.

He didn’t even raise his eyes; a few moments after, he felt two familiar arms wrapped around him.

“Ko...” he murmured, pulling away from that hold. He did that instinctively, without even knowing why.

“Kei.” the other said, his voice broken. “What’s happened, Kei?” he asked, lowly.

The younger raised his watery eyes on him, looking almost relieve.

“He’s my friend again, Ko. Hikka is.” he replied, simply.

He saw Yabu cry, and he got worried.

Why was he crying?

Everything was alright, now.

He had given Hikaru what he wanted, and he had forgiven him.

Everything was fine.

“Why are you crying, Ko?” he asked, confused.

The elder hesitated, as if he couldn’t explain the reason. In the end, he dried his face with the back of his hand, and shook his head.

“It’s nothing, Kei. It’s going to pass. What’s important is... is that you’re fine.” he whispered, holding him close, resting his forehead against his temple, slowly kissing his face.

Kei relished that embrace, letting go against his boyfriend’s body.

Now that he could have Kota and that Hikaru was his friend, everything was okay.

He kept repeating himself that like a mantra, waiting to believe it.

That night they all had cried, and none of them deserved those tears.  


End file.
